The longest gloss story ever told.

I remember my first lip gloss.. It was Bonne Bell Strawberry Banana flavored, and I had switched the cap with my friend’s shimmery raspberry flavor. Not long after that, my best friend had a lifetime supply of Chapstick, so naturally, I moved on to that more nourishing lip care. A year later after seeing adds for them in countless American teenage trash magazines, Softlips was being sold in Canada. I had to try this new gloss, as I was curious to see what was inside this ultra-feminine packaging.

I was never the ultra-feminine girly girl myself. I grew up in a big house with five older siblings, there was always a smarter, more artistic, more athletic, or more outgoing sibling than me. As they one by one left the nest, I learned to stop comparing myself to others and just be myself. As it turns out, I like me! I’m a good hearted common sensed person, and I certainly don’t fit any mold. I figured out pretty early on that there could be a perfect balance between all things girly and a tom boy personality. I do have a point here. Lipgloss. It’s a marvelous thing, and seems to me, that it too forms a perfect balance between femininity and boyishness. We all want soft and kissable lips. I mean that in its truest form. When’s the last time anyone wearing goopy lipstick got one of those everlasting major lip smacking? Don’t try to find an example of such a time; accept that it was unpleasant to some degree for the other party.

Back to Softlips. I tried and was instantly hooked. From that point on, my friend accused me of being a glossaholic. I was attracted to the feeling it gave my lips, the soft endless tingle of that menthol bite. I’ve been trying to find it in other glosses since, and here is where the obsession takes off. Over the years I’ve spent (probably too much) on many brand names, no names, flavors, sticks, gloss pots, tubes, wands, creams, waxes, and I have yet to find the perfect one for my lips. A conversation with a friend a few weeks ago motivated me to start testing them and charting the results in a Google spreadsheet format. I put the little guys up against the big guns, with surprising results. I’ve been looking for new ideas of everyone’s favorites however, as I can’t possibly have tried them all. I will eventually tabulate the results into a more refined glossahol chart. As I keep testing, I am constantly fine tuning my lips to recognize specific glossahol qualities and pick out the impostor’s faults.

These tests are a-là-Moi of course, not scientific tests. I figured if there can be a self taught Chocolate expert with the most refined pallet, why can’t there be a self taught glossahol expert. I shall call myself, a glossator, which seems disturbingly fitting. According to Webster’s: "Glossator is a (n.) writer of glosses or comments; a commentator." I realize glossahol is not an actual term, but as you’ll soon notice, I make up a lot of words. (M-cabulary) Besides, what else can lip goop be called? It comes in such a wide variety of formats, it's addictive, I must have it on me at all times, and can't sleep without it. That's enough qualities to be called glossahol for me.

I'm quite excited to hear that other people out there share the same love of the lip-tingle as I do. This applies to you Burt's Bees beeswas lip balm users. You love it, don't deny.

Look for gloss results to be posted in the upcoming weeks.

M-cabulary End note: Spanakopita is NOT one of my invented words. It’s “a traditional Greek pie of spinach, feta cheese, and seasonings baked in phyllo”. Dolmades’ spanakopita gets my seal of approval here in Ottawa. That says a lot, so try it, I recommend.